My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
