I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
