the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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