Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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