dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
bring money and cleavage
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
