I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
