The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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