Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
