The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dignity is for republicans.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
