he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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