genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
