Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
