I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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