What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
