Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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