It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
