this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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