I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think I just sharted jello shots
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
