I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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