i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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