As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
