I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
