now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
