I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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