Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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