Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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