Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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