he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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