i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
