i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
