two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
