my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
