She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
