i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
