My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
