You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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