Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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