If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
