I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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