if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
