haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
