I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
