My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
