Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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