I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
