I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
