Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
