these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
