...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
