i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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