Define "chronic" masturbator.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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