you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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