I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
