She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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