I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
